Read Part One

SCENE THREE

Extra 1 and Extra 2 sit on the two US chairs. Horatio and Esmerelda enter SR, Esmerelda’s arm linked somewhat uneasily through Horatio’s.

HORATIO: Here we are, at (with strong emphasis for the audience’s benefit) the theatre.

ESMERELDA: What are we going to see?

HORATIO: A play.

TRENT: Obviously.

Emma stifles a snicker.

ESMERELDA: What play, Horatio?

HORATIO: William Shakespeare’s ‘Romeo & Juliet’, a classic love story about two starcross’d lovers who desperately want to be together, but cannot be because their families are at war and they do not have the benefits, the freedoms, of our modern- day life where there is nothing to keep two people who love each other apart.

EMMA: (Momentarily breaking from character to question the script) Are you sure ‘Romeo & Juliet’ is appropriate for a first date?

HORATIO: Oh, uh, I thought you’d say “oh, Horatio, you are so romantic, what a perfect choice?” (pause) Then I would have said, “yes, I thought you would like to see it, beautiful ESMERELDA, I could tell just by the your eyes lit up as you read the pages of ‘Mrs. Dalloway’ in the library” and then you would have said -

ESMERELDA: The play’s about to start.

HORATIO: Oh, uh, yes, you would have said that, um, later.

Horatio and Esmerelda sit in the two vacant seats.

ESMERELDA: The stage looks pretty small from here.

HORATIO: Sorry, these were the only seats left.

EXTRA 1: Shh, you two love-birds can talk when the play’s finished.

For the next couple of minutes, they react to ‘the play’ they’re seeing: gasping, and laughing, perhaps leaning forward in their seats. Horatio, however, is less involved with ‘the play’, and instead keeps looking at Esmerelda, reaching his hand or his arm out as if to touch her, then drawing back. Eventually he stretches out his arm and lays it across her shoulders, only for her and Extra 1 and Extra 2 to rise from their seats in standing ovation at the end of ‘the play’. Horatio, a little out of synch, also rises and claps, and is the last one to stop. Horatio and Esmerelda move away from their seats. Esmerelda sighs.

HORATIO: That was so beautiful, so poetic and tragic.

ESMERELDA: A little old-fashioned though. (sceptically) Do you really believe love like that still exists, or ever even did?

HORATIO: (Taking her hands in his) Yes. Yes I do.

ESMERELDA: (Turning away from him and putting a hand to her forehead) I’d like to believe that.

Horatio moves close behind her and puts his hands on her waist. Emma tenses.

HORATIO: You can.

Horatio leans in to kiss the back of her neck but Emma moves away.

ESMERELDA: Walk me home.

The two walk around the stage while Extra 1 and Extra 2 move TABLE 1 to SL, TABLE 2 to CS, two of the chairs either side of TABLE 2 and two of the chairs to SR. Emma becomes increasingly nervous as Horatio moves towards the kiss scen she knows Harry has written.

HORATIO: Oh, Esmerelda, I know I have known you only a short time, but I feel already attracted to you in ways I can barely describe. When I am around you it is as if a thousand butterflies flutter at my breast; as if my very bones -

EMMA: (Breaking from her ‘character’ to avoid kissing Harry) We’re here.

HARRY: Where?

EMMA: My house.

HARRY: Are we?

EMMA: Yep, we are. (pause) Well, see ya. (begins to walk away)

HARRY: Hey, wait.

EMMA: What?

HARRY: The script says we’re supposed to kiss at the end of our first date.

EMMA: (Imitating herself as Esmerelda) Oh noble sir, I cannot lead you on, I cannot follow this ‘script’ of which you speak, for a lady doth never kiss on the first date. (Esmerelda exits SR)

HARRY: (calling after Emma) But, but, I was meant to say some more stuff. It was poetic and beautiful. It was meant to make you fall into my arms so that I would kiss you, and then we could move towards our happily ever after…

TRENT: Too bad she doesn’t want to.

HARRY: It’s in the script. There’ll be a happy end, she’s just… improvising.

SCENE FOUR

Extra 1 and Extra 2 enter SR.

HARRY: Hey, hey, what are you doing? Our scene isn’t over.

LUCY: But Emma- (Kevin coughs) I mean Esmerelda came backstage.

HARRY: Well go get her back out here, we have to finish the scene.

Lucy looks unsure about what to do, Kevin is resolutely still in character, but visible annoyance beginning to spread across his face.

LUCY: I think she went to the toilet.

HARRY: Well then, we’ll wait.

LUCY: She might be a while.. I don’t think she really wants to act any more.

HARRY: What do you mean?

LUCY: I think she only agreed to be in your play because you kept asking her.

TRENT: Ha!

HARRY: I wrote the part for her, she had to be my leading lady.

LUCY: I’m sure she’ll come around if we just give her some time.

HARRY: Yeah, we’ll wait.

Kevin coughs again, frustration bubbling under the surface of his character’s visage. Lucy looks at him, as does Harry.

KEVIN: Can we please get on with our scene now?

HARRY: No, we’re waiting for Emma so we can finish off our scene with the kiss at the end.

KEVIN: And do you expect the audience to wait? They’ve sat through ten minutes of this amateurishness already. My God! I knew I was the only professional in this play, but I thought the rest of you might at least be able to learn your lines, however poorly written they were!

LUCY: Kevin!

KEVIN: My name is Extra 1, it’s not the name I would have chosen, but I am but an actor, subject to the whims of the writer and the director, (Looking at Harry) however incompetent that person may prove to be. (He pauses to control his anger) Now, Horatio, please leave, that I may complete my date with Extra 2.

HARRY: But your scene isn’t important. It isn’t even relevant. I only wrote it in because you refused to be in my play if you couldn’t have a more significant role and a scene dedicated to you. This play’s supposed to be about me kissing… I mean, about the love of Horatio and Esmerelda, and that last scene was integral to the plot.

TRENT: What plot?

EXTRA 1: (Booming) Horatio! (Lucy and Harry jump) Leave!

Harry looks dejected. Harry exits SR. Lucy looks concernedly after him as Extra 1 moves to behind one of the seats at TABLE 2. Extra 1 coughs to draw Lucy’s attention, then pulls the chair out for her to sit on. She moves over and takes the seat, allowing Extra 1 to push it in behind her. Extra 1 then takes the other chair and sits opposite her. In this scene Lucy slips almost imperceptibly in and out of character in criticism of Kevin, eventually forcing him out of character as well.

EXTRA 1: Have you done something different with your hair?

EXTRA 2: I had it cut.

EXTRA 1: It looks beautiful.

LUCY: Actually, I had it cut last week. You’ve seen me since then.

EXTRA 1: Oh, I, uh, what will you have?

EXTRA 2: A banana split, extra chocolate sauce.

EXTRA 1: You always have that.

LUCY: I like it. Why should I change?

EXTRA 1: I’m, uh, not saying you should? (pause) I’m going to have a raspberry ripple. (Kevin looks around for a waiter) Isn’t there supposed to be a waiter?

LUCY: I don’t think Harry could find another actor.

EXTRA 1: Who’s Harry? What do you mean about ‘another actor’?

LUCY: You know perfectly-

EXTRA 1: Just a minute, I’ll go order for us. (He gets up and moves to SL where he calls offstage) One raspberry ripple, one banana split, extra chocolate sauce, and a strawberry milkshake with two straws, please. (With exaggerated acting he hands over invisible money from an invisible wallet he pulls from his pocket. He then returns to his seat)

EXTRA 2: Didn’t you get them?

EXTRA 1: Well they’ve got to make them first.

LUCY: How long does it take fictional cooks to make fictional sundaes?

EXTRA 1: You sure are acting weird tonight, Lu – Extra 2. So what did you get up to last night?

LUCY: So are you.

EXTRA 1: So am I what?

LUCY: Acting weird. Don’t you think you were a bit harsh on Harry?

EXTRA 1: Who is Harry? (Lucy looks sternly at him, folds her arms) Oh, you mean, Horatio. (Kevin puts his hand across the table for Lucy to take, but her arms remain crossed) I only asked him to leave so that we could be alone together for our date.

For five beats the characters remain frozen, Lucy with arms crossed, Kevin with hands open across the table. Kevin closes his fingers.

EXTRA 1: Ice cream’s ready.

He gets up again and returns to the ‘counter’ SL, picks up two invisible bowls and brings them over to the table. He puts them down. Lucy moves her bowl towards herself and picks up an invisible spoon. She takes a bite and then plays with the ice cream, poking the spoon into it and twisting it round. She continues to do this for the next fourteen lines.

EXTRA 1: (Still standing) I got us a strawberry milkshake as well.

He goes over to fetch the ‘milkshake’ and brings it back to the table. He sits down, then takes a bite of the ‘raspberry ripple’. Kevin looks up at Lucy. She is looking down at the ‘banana split’. Kevin moves the ‘strawberry milkshake’ towards himself and leans down to suck on the straw.

EXTRA 1: Do you want some? (He offers the milkshake to LUCY. She shakes her head. Pause.) What’s wrong?

LUCY: (Looking up) You owe Harry an apology. You know he’s put a lot of himself into this play and I think you really hurt his feelings.

KEVIN: It’s his own fault though. Emma’s not an actress, and he’s not an actor. You know as well as I do that the only reason he wanted her in this play is because he fancies her. And we also both know that she doesn’t fancy him.

LUCY: She might do. Why shouldn’t she?

KEVIN: Why should she? (Lucy looks back down at her banana split) Now can we please get back to the script?

LUCY: No, not until you promise to apologise.

KEVIN: (firmly) The script. We’ll talk about this later.

LUCY: Christ, Kevin, is that all you care about? The script?

KEVIN: Right now, yes. I am an actor, and, no matter how badly written it is, no matter how amateur my fellow performers, I am duty bound to follow the script to the end.

LUCY: Amateur? Is that how you see me?

KEVIN: Well, if you can’t follow a script…

LUCY: Well of course I can’t after the way you were to Harry. I can’t just hold ‘the script’ above all else like you do, Kevin, life doesn’t just stop just because we have to read a few lines from a piece of paper and pretend to be someone else. Oh sure, maybe it does for you, but I’m not a fucking actress.

KEVIN: Ha, don’t I know that.

LUCY: (Standing) How can you say that? I only did this for you, oh sure, it was Harry who asked me to be in his play, but I did it so we could be together. I thought it would be something fun we could do as a couple. But fuck it, I quit.

In a passionate rage Lucy picks up the ‘banana split’ and hurls it into Kevin’s face. An actor to the end, Kevin jerks back in surprise as if physically hit with ice cream, bananas and chocolate sauce. Kevin begins to wipe the invisible mess from his face with his fingers as Lucy storms off towards SR. Before she exits however, Lucy stops and turns round to shout one final insult at Kevin -

LUCY: I may not be an actress, but I can name at least one place where I can act and you can’t even perform – the bedroom. (Lucy exits SR)

TRENT: Burned!

Kevin looks at Trent, at the audience in general, with a mixture of anger and embarrassment. Kevin exits SL. The stage is left empty.

Tags: boy meets girl, Brecht, Fiction, Freudian slip, play, play-within-a-play, postmodern

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